Penguinoia

I always knew those penguins were up to something, with those beady little eyes and that helpless looking waddle – like a mugger faking a limp until he’s right up on you. I never wanted to go to Alaska, or anyplace cold for that matter. I haven’t seen any penguins here, but I’m not surprised. …Sneaky little buggers.

People just aren’t right up here, but I’m glad to be out of Canada. They don’t even have biscuits in Canada, the Nazis; not even at McDonalds. I asked for them and they looked at me like I was some alien freak and said,

“Biscuits?” they laughed, “Biscuits are just an American thing.”

“But this is McDonalds.”

“We don’t have biscuits, we have muffins.”

I ate the muffins. I knew it was just a power-play, trying to show that they could control what I got to eat, but I was too hungry to argue. It had been a long drive, and one I wasn’t expecting, so I hadn’t eaten enough. The Muffins weren’t so bad. Keeping my sunglasses on helped. Everything kind of smoothed over to shadowy colors, soft and undefined like a dream. English muffins are definitely chewier than biscuits, but I could imagine they were biscuits in my hand. It still felt strange to be eating breakfast, but apparently we had driven all night and, to everyone else, it was a new day just starting.

I never wanted to go on this trip to begin with, but since my roommate had already charged the tickets to my credit card, I figured I might as well take a trip. He was so excited to tell me when we were leaving for Washington, but that was the first I knew we were going anywhere.

“We’re going to Washington?” I asked.

“Yeah. What? You knew.”

“I did?”

“Told you I was going to Dad’s to look at airfares on his computer”

“’Look’, not ‘purchase’. And why Washington?”

“You know I have a cousin there. You’re acting awfully ungrateful. You should be excited. I did this for you, man. You need to get out of here. You’re like a shut-in.”

“You bought tickets to see your cousin for me?” I must be missing something.

“I thought you would like Washington.”

“The state, right?”

He rolled his eyes, “Yes, the state. Why would we wanna go to DC?”

“Why would I want to go to Washington, the state?”

He shot me the ‘you retard’ look. “The ocean? It’s beautiful out there. You can even take a ferry out to this island out there. It has all kinds of old shit, like you like.” He said, with a glare that said ‘you fag’. He always thought it was “so gaaay” that I was into history, antiques, and all that “old shit”.

“How’d you pay for tickets online? You can’t get credit anywhere.”

“I used your card.”

Confused, angry, and not feeling like an argument, I resigned myself to planning for a trip… a trip to beautiful Washington State. Yeah, John wasn’t always the most considerate friend, but he was a good guy. He was also my only real friend, though admittedly that was based mostly on convenience. He was there, in my apartment, and I didn’t go out much. Maybe he was right, anyway. I am a bit of a shut-in. It isn’t like I don’t meet people, though. I talk to people from all over on x-box live, even the weird English ones.

“Wait”, I said “That’s way North and it’s Just March. Won’t it be cold?”

“So”

“What good is seeing the ocean if it’s cold?” I hate the cold.

“You’re such a wuss. You just have to be negative about everything, don’t you?”

“Ef-you, man. I was just wondering if I have to find my coat.”

“Yeah… I would say so. It’s probably under your bed along with all your other clothes, the body of Jimmy Hoffa, and your inflatable girlfriend.”

“I don’t have an inflatable girlfriend.”

“Maybe that’s what’s wrong with you. Maybe you need one.”This time, it was my turn to roll my eyes. I had my favorite sunglasses on, as usual, though, so my thoughts were easily concealed.

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That explains how I got to Washington, anyway. Judging from the insides of the bars, which was all we saw there, it wasn’t any different from Louisville, Kentucky. Same tin signs on the wall, same smell of stale smoke, same chicks posing for attention but sneering if you got too close. I sat for hours on end drinking beer after beer that was shoved in my hand, crappy light beers you get for a few bucks because they’re only worth the cost of the bottle. I wasn’t about to ask for a Guinness or look for a micro-brew, though. John and his cousin would have just gotten that much more intolerable. Wanting beer with flavor is apparently “gaaay” too. If I was home, I could be playing halo2 right now.

We sat through John’s cousin’s life story, or “wife story” at least. Josh went on for an hour or so telling us how she was an evil witch out to manipulate the world. He was going through a divorce, custody fights and all. I listened to him rant about her for a while, and then talk about which bar chick he was going to pick up. Then, it was the lengthy discussion of how he was going to “hit that”. Oh, just get me out of here. …As if he’s even going to talk to her. He conveniently became distracted with ranting about his wife again, though, so he never got around to blessing any of the bar girls with a display of his smooth prowess.

I thought about how marriage must really suck. Every guy I knew who got married had some story about “what that bitch had done to him.” I wondered if it really was always the wife’s fault, or if they just always play it off that way. Then I looked over at the giggling chicks in their tight party-pants, leaning over the bar. They saw me look and rolled their eyes, snickering at me snidely. Bitches. Yeah, gotta be the woman’s fault.

“Would you take those things off. It isn’t bright in here” John scolded.

Had I missed something? What is he…“Oh, the sunglasses?” I asked

“No, your shoes. Of course the sunglasses. It’s bad enough you wear sunglasses everywhere, but those make you look like a frickin fairy.”

“What’s the matter with them?”

“They’re pink” He said, with a disgusted tone.

“They aren’t pink”

“How would you know? You’re color blind. Josh, tell him they’re pink”

“They look purple to me” Josh said, though clearly not caring either way.

John huffed and gave up, returning his attention to his beer. I watched the door. I always watch the door. Never leave your back to the door. A new flock of women came in, giggling of course. I started to wonder if it was some sort of bird-call they did. Some flirtatious cackling to lure the male birds. The giggling fizzled off and one of them looked straight at our table.

“Josh! Sweetie, I didn’t know you’d be here.”

“Hey Beth. What are you guys doing?”

“We’re just eating here.”

This place has food?

“After we eat we’re all going back to my place to hang out. Come out if you like. You can crash there if you want. I think everyone else is. Who’s your friend?” She said, smiling at John. Apparently I was invisible.

“That’s my cousin, John. This is his roommate, Glenn.”

I nodded my hello and shook her hand.

“Well, you’re all welcome to come by later. We’ve got vodka and lemons for lemon-drops.”

“Sounds great”, Josh said. “You guys will love her place. It’s right on the beach.”

Hmmm… he said will, not would… Why do I get the impression I’m not going to get a choice?

“We’ll be there.” John said.Thanks for asking me first, buddy.

“So, you’re on the beach?”, I asked.

“Sure are.”

“Do you get much penguin trouble there?”

She stared at me blankly, and Josh shook his head. “He’s just kidding, Beth. It’s a weird Kentucky joke.”

“It’s no joke” I said, shaking my head. Poor fools. Brain washed by the government-controlled media, no doubt.

“Glenn, quit it. Glenn, here, just spends too much time on his computer. Some nerd-culture thing… always talking about evil penguins and sporks.”

Everyone was silent. I wondered if they had crickets in Washington. I didn’t hear any, but then we were in a bar.

“Ol Glenn is a blast, though, when he gets going. Seriously, this dude is crazy.” He boasted. Then he shrank in his chair, knowing they’d see what a lie that was eventually, even if they didn’t know it now. I could be updating my blog right now, if I was home. I wonder if Beth has a computer.

“Beth, what color are these glasses?” I said. She looked at me blankly, like a doll with big plastic blue eyes that didn’t move or blink. “We were just discussing it, is all”

“I say they’re purple” Josh added, while signaling the waitress for another round.

“Magenta” She decreed. “Definitely magenta, but almost plum”

On the way to Beth’s, John was popping codeine like ticktacks. He’d hurt his back showing off at the warehouse the week before. The codeine was leftover from some previous injury and he figured it applied to everything. I told him not to mix Codeine with beer, but what do I know? At Beth’s, we all drank shots of vodka, followed up by lemon wedges coated in thick blankets of sugar. Nasty. I watched them drink for hours on end and tried to figure out just how drinking was so different in Washington. Eventually everyone passed out somewhere or another. John and I had to share one of the guest-rooms.

I’ve already forgotten most of the room. I was tired and drunk against my will. The carpet I remember. It was a long, hairy-looking shag in a color that looked like vomit even before John started yacking on it. He was too drunk to get to the bathroom or even clean up his own mess. I spent the night cleaning puke out of some stranger’s carpet, and keeping vigil at the window, watching out for those penguins. Something about the night just didn’t feel right. I felt anxious and uneasy. It had to be my senses telling me the penguins were coming. I wasn’t really sure if penguins made it down to Washington, but they could swim faster than most people know and we were right by the ocean.

All night I just reminded myself “tomorrow we ride the ferry to that island.” It wasn’t exactly chitzen Itza, but it interested me more than the bars. I didn’t even know the name, it was just “that island”. The ferry ride was pretty neat. I’d never seen a ferry before. We just walked onto this dock, and the dock floated away. Except for the general lack of fortifications and security, I thought it was great. John didn’t think so, although he was watching the water pretty closely… his head hanging over the side like that.I don’t know if that island is as interesting as people say. We took one of the later ferry’s, since John slept much of the day. So, a lot of the antique stores were closed. Beth and her sister, Wendy, ended up coming with us and were going to show us the cool sites. We made it to one bar on the island. They said it was to get some “hair of the dog”. The only sight we saw was John darting down every other alley to puke. We finally gave up and took the next ferry back.

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The highlight of Washington was Caliente, some Mexican restaurant. It was maybe the only decent meal I had up there. I ate there with John, Josh, and Sarah, and their kids. Sarah was Josh’s ex wife. I was surprised to find that the “evil witch” seemed pretty harmless. But then, maybe that’s just some female trickery. The kids were cute. I liked having them there. There was much less drinking with them around.It was during this dinner that Sarah said she was taking the kids back to Alaska. She’d be leaving the next afternoon. Turns out, she lived in Alaska and had just been in Washington for business. Josh had lived in Alaska too until they split up, then he moved here to be closer to the business. I wasn’t really even sure what they did. They didn’t look like Alaskans, but I’m not really sure what Alaskans look like.

I went to the bathroom, and by the time I got back to the table the conversation had left me far behind.

“See, Glenn… I knew this trip was a good thing. Who woulda thought we’d get to see Alaska?” John said.

“Alaska?”

“Yeah, it’s a long drive so we’re riding up in the van with Sarah and the kids to takes shifts driving. She can even get us cheap tickets to fly back from Ketchikan instead of having to drive back. Her dad’s a pilot or something”

“Ketchikan?”

“It’s in Alaska, where they live.”

“Is it by the ocean?”

“Yeah, man. It’s beautiful. Her mom has a place with its own dock and everything.”

“So, we’re going to Alaska?”

“That’s what I said.”

This is bad. I just know it. “Where will we stay?”

“With Sarah and her parents. They have this huge house, you won’t believe it. I’ve seen it before. You’ll love it.”

“Do they have a computer?”John shook his head and Sarah looked confused, but she answered.

“Um, yeah… a pretty nice one, I think.”And so it was settled.

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It was a long drive. We made a couple stops in Canada, one being the Nazi McDonalds. John and Sarah took turns driving, but never gave me a shift. I didn’t mind, of course. The kids were quiet. I looked back at one point and Mac, the youngest, was hunched over with her head in her lap, blue eyes peering up under piles of curly red hair. John had laid down and had his boots on her tiny back.

“John, get your legs off her.”

He didn’t even look up “She’s fine. She isn’t complaining.”

I looked at her pitiful eyes and wondered how long she’d been like that, sweetly crumpled without making a peep.

“Are you ok, Mac?”

She just stared, but said nothing. I was about to say more about it, but we were close to the ferry station in Canada anyway.In the parking lot, John straightened up to look around. Mac unfolded herself and leaned up against the inside wall of the van. Instead of finding a parking space, we pulled into a long line of waiting cars. We waited there for nearly and hour before the cars began to slowly move forward. We pulled through some huge gates onto the ferry. This was nothing like the ferry we rode before. This you drove onto and parked. It seemed pretty odd. There wasn’t much to keep the cars in place, that I could see. Maybe the water doesn’t get that rough, but they could at least have some protection from whatever might waddle out of the sea to do some mischief.

The trip from wherever we were in Canada to the port in Ketchikan took many hours. Sarah had paid for a room on the ferry for her and the kids, so whenever the kids were up we got to use their beds. I couldn’t sleep, though. We were floating loose out there with no tie to land, just helpless. Plus, there was a window in our room that looked right over the water. I figured Penguins couldn’t climb up the side of the Ferry that high, but I wouldn’t really know. I was a little nervous when we got back in the car. If any break-lines were cut and we ended up in a wreck, would the hospitals be as good in Alaska?

Well, we got off the ferry just fine and I never once saw a hospital there. I did see a golf course. I don’t know why we went to the golf course. Nobody played any golf, they just went to look at it. Apparently, grass isn’t all that plentiful up there. The golf course had round sections of fake turf around every hole, with just gravel between each one. A gravel golf course? Anyway, so we drove from there out to Sarah’s parents’ place. Sarah apparently moved in there when she and Josh split and sold their place. It was pretty, I suppose, but I just wanted to get to the computer. I breathed a sigh of relief as I slipped into the chair, keyboard at hand. I updated my blog with stories of the adventures I was bravely facing in the wilderness of Alaska. I may have embellished a little, but it wasn’t that far off. I was, after all, in Alaska.

I had an email from my mother. Mom hates email, or anything computer related. She hates any electrical device with controls more complicated than off, on, and volume. I once had to show her how to use her new oven, and I never even use an oven except for heating the occasional fish sticks. But mom emailed me and said she’d been taking my mail inside my apartment for me. She said she cleaned the place and did the laundry and that she found moldy dishes under the bed, etc… etc… She listened to our answering machine messages and it was completely full.

Some girl named Brittany had been calling the whole time we were gone, trying to get a hold of John. It was an emergency, she said, and mom gave me the number. She also told me to look out for bears and not to drink the water. I responded to mom, explaining that bad water was a concern generally for Mexico, not Alaska. I told her there were no bears where I was (contrary to what I may have said in my blog post). I did not mention the issue of evil penguins. Mom worries enough as it is.

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“You need to call Brittany.” I said, handing John a paper with her number.

“Brittany who?”

“How should I know? She’s flooded our answering machine and is all hyper about reaching you or something. Some kind of emergency.”

“Women… everything’s an emergency. I’ll call her tomorrow.”

That night, John went out to some local bar with Sarah and Sarah’s friends. I stayed home with the kids and the kids grandparents and watched TV. Sarah’s mom, Betty, was an awesome cook. If my mom cooked that well, I would not have moved out when I turned 27. She made lasagna and the sauce didn’t even come out of a jar. She made her own sauce. I didn’t know you could do that. I didn’t sleep much that night. I never can sleep well if I’m not in my own bed in my own room, but this was even worse. There was something in the air that wasn’t right. Something was about to happen. The penguins are coming, I thought.

I kept watch at the window until John came in at 6am, then I managed to sleep a few hours before I woke up to the sound of screaming children. Oh no… the penguins have the children. Well, it turned out that no penguins had been seen yet. It was just time for Sponge Bob. Thanks to the wonders of the modern DVD, any time that Sarah wanted to not be bothered was time for Sponge Bob. After the false alarm, I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I just talked with Betty over Coffee. I asked her if she’d seen any sign of penguins that morning.

“Penguins?”

“Yeah… any sign of them?”

“Um, no, sweetie. We don’t get penguins here.”Brainwashed… sneaky devils. I knew then that it was up to me to watch out for the evil buggers.

Within a couple days from mom’s email, she managed to send me another. This was quite a lot for her. She’d been rooting through my apartment some more. I was worried to think what she might find in John’s things, but I was hoping she stayed away from his space. She had listened to the messages again and more frantic calls had come from Brittany. Mom said she did not approve of the language that the young woman used, but the poor thing was obviously distraught and someone had better call her right away. Mom said that, in the last message, Brittany was screaming into the phone and insisting that he would not be able to ignore her after the fraternity tests. Mom asked what a fraternity test was and if it was like some silly initiation thing.

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“Uh, John…”

“Yeah” he answered, without turning away from the TV.

“Did you ever call that Brittany chick?”

“What do you care?”

“She…uh. You really better call her.”

John turned to give me an annoyed glare. “Why should I?”

“She left more messages. I think she was saying something about a paternity test. Is she pregnant?”

“Maybe. How do I know? Probably making it up for attention. She’s a freakin’ nerd like you are. Damn shame, as hot as she is. She’s probably just imagining it, like you and those penguins.”

“Well, you should probably call her. At least let her know when we’ll be back home and then maybe you can talk to her then.”

John hesitated “Why even go home?”

“So we don’t loose our jobs, for starters.”

“What do I really need a job for, anyway?”

“Well, there’s your half of the rent for the past 4 months that you still owe me…”

John glared at me in disgust.

“I’m not complaining, I’m just saying… you have to have a job to get by, have a home, buy food, you know… all that stuff. We’re supposed to fly home tomorrow. Just tell her so and you can meet up with her when we get back.”

“You want me to fly home so I can keep my job, so all the money I earn can go to some baby-making whore?”

“We live in Louisville. That’s our home. We have to go back home eventually.”

“Maybe you do. Trish makes great money and has a nice place. She already said I could stay with her for a while if I wanted to stick around.”

“Who’s Trish?”

“A friend of Sarah’s. If you went out with us instead of staying home like a fag, then you would have met her.”

“What about this girl, Brittany? Are you just going to leave her hanging? Not even a phone call to tell her where you are?”

“She doesn’t need to know where I am and she better not fuckin find out. Who made you the cop all of a sudden, with all these questions and shit?”

“Look, I just – Hey, where are you going?”

“I’m going out. I’m not putting up with this garbage.” He said while putting on his coat.

“Don’t overdo it, man. I mean, don’t stay out too late. We have a plane to catch tomorrow. Don’t get too drunk, either. Something isn’t right out there and you need to stay alert. Watch out for anything… strange.”

“If you start in with the penguins again, so help me I’ll wring your scrawny neck.”

I didn’t know what to say. I just stood there, frozen, while he stormed out the door. I turned around and one of the kids, Mac, was standing silently beside me. She was just looking up at me as if to ask if everything was ok. Do these kids ever speak? I felt bad for her, hearing all that yelling. Then there’s that language... You aren’t supposed to cuss in front of kids, I don’t think. I figured I should say something to her, reassure her or tell her those are bad words or something, but what do I know about kids? I just sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. She climbed up beside me and we watched SG-1 episodes on the sci-fi channel.

I wondered what would happen if there really was a Star Gate. There could be one for all we know. The government would keep it a secret just like they do with area 51 and all the penguin attack reports. If there was a Star Gate and wars between planets, would we be the good guys or the bad guys? I just wonder. Maybe the penguins aren’t even so evil. Maybe they hate us for a reason.

I’d expected John to blow off some steam that afternoon and come back for supper, if only just to clean up and slap some more of that Stetson on before heading out to the bars. He didn’t come around, though. I suppose that’s when I started to worry, but he’d been pretty mad when he left. Maybe he just didn’t feel like coming back yet. I kept a keen eye on the water that evening. I finally fell asleep on the couch some time after 1 am.

When I woke up and went up to our room, my first thought was that John had been back, since his suitcase was gone. But, then I noticed that someone had been through my suitcase too. My clothes had been thrown all over the room and my game boy, headphones, and cash were all missing. That’s when I knew the penguins had been there. They must have slipped right past me in the night and robbed us blind. John was out and I was asleep downstairs, so they saw an opportunity and took it. Wretched penguins.

I waited for John to come home so I could give him the bad news. The flight didn’t leave until 3 pm. By noon, I knew something terrible had happened. He’d never be gone that long. Something was wrong. I didn’t want to scare Betty and Sarah by telling them about the penguins robbing us. Plus, I was afraid they’d feel guilty for not having better fortified their home against penguin attack. But, by one a clock I had to tell them what had happened.

“So you think these same…um… You think these penguins did something to John?” Betty asked.

“I’m afraid so. I know he was angry at me because I butted in about the pregnant girl, but he would never be gone this long. Something has to have happened to him.”

“Pregnant girl?”

“Yeah. Some girl’s been calling for him talking about paternity tests and stuff. I butted in and said he should call her. I know it was rude of me. It’s none of my business.”

“I see” Betty said.

“Should we call the police and tell them about the robbery?” I asked

“You said all of Johns things were gone, his clothes and suitcase and everything?”

“Yeah, and they took my money and my gameboy.”

“I see” Betty said again. She said it like it meant more than she let on. I wondered if that meant she had known about the penguins all along, but didn’t want to say so out loud. Maybe the penguins watch her place.

“So should we call the police?” I looked at Betty and then at Sarah. Sarah dodged my glance, so I looked back at Betty again.

“How about Sarah and I just go look for him first. Jim can watch the kids when he gets home. If we can’t find him, then maybe we can turn in a missing person’s report.”

“And tell them about the penguins, right?”

“Of course.”

“What about the flight? We’ll miss the flight”

“Maybe you should just head on home. We can take care of things here.” Home… my bed, my favorite computer chair, my favorite TV blanket… “But, I can’t just leave him. He would never leave me behind.”

Betty and Sarah exchanged glances and then dropped their respective stares into their coffee, which they began stirring busily. After a few stirs, Betty looked up at me.

“You always see the pretty version of things. Don’t you, son? If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, my dear, you must have beautiful eyes” she said, removing the sunglasses from my face. She smiled a sweet grandmother-type smile at me, as if she was pleased with what she saw. “They’re even lovelier without those burgundy lenses hiding them.”

Just as I was wondering if she’d forgotten what we had been talking about, she answered, “You should be home to take care of things. We’ll take care of things here. I’m sure that’d be best.”

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So, that’s how I ended up in this airport, waiting to board a plane. I’m going home and leaving my good friend behind, in who knows what sort of peril at the hand of evil penguins. I never even saw a penguin while I was here. That’s just how good they are. You only see them when they want to be seen. I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever see John again. I think of this poor girl back home waiting for him. I figure I’ll send her flowers or something when I get back. I’m sure that’s what John would do if he weren’t a penguin captive. If he is a penguin captive.

I removed my sunglasses to clean off a Betty-fingerprint. I hadn’t realized till then just how many windows they had in this place. The glaring sun was harsh, pervasive, but it spilled a warm yellow glow over everything. It was both painful and enjoyable, swelling full of promise and potential. I studied my hand, which seemed almost magnified in the stark light. Every pore, dry patch, scar, and hair stood out in startling contrast. The texture was fascinating.

I folded the sunglasses into my pocket and squinted into the sun; half-blinded by the light, but determined to adjust. The naked yellow glow stirred my thoughts. Maybe ordering flowers online for that Brittany girl isn’t enough. I should do something; check in on her, see if she needs anything. I do stay inside too much, anyway. There’s really no reason to hide in my apartment all the time. It isn’t like there are any penguins in Kentucky, or anything. Then, I pictured penguins waddling across the bluegrass and I chuckled to myself. That’s just plain silly.